A primer on koalas

“The koala [Phascolarctos cinereus] is an arboreal herbivorous marsupial native to Australia, and the only extant representative of the family Phascolarctidae. It is found in coastal regions of eastern and southern Australia. It is not found in Tasmania or Western Australia.”—Wikipedia



The koala, Your Honors, is not a bear. It is a tree-dwelling plant-eating marsupial.

What is a marsupial? A marsupial, according to my laptop dictionary, “is a mammal of an order whose members are born incompletely developed and are typically carried and suckled in a pouch on the mother’s belly.” Marsupials, adds Wikipedia, are “the dominant group of mammals in Australia, though there are also a number of species found in the Americas, as well as on the island of New Guinea.”

There is no mention anywhere that koalas are native to the Philippines, so it was quite astonishing to see one talking in Pilipino.

The discovery of a talking koala is comparable to the discovery that planets revolve around the sun. One can only imagine the consequences of such a discovery on scientific knowledge, morality, philosophy and theology.

Sadly, but not in the least bit surprising, members of the House of Representatives and commissioners of the election body ignored the earth-shaking significance of the event they saw on video. They went straight to arguing over and debunking the koala’s credibility, as if a talking koala were as normal as a 40-percent kickback on projects funded by pork barrel.

“He’s wearing a mask. Take it off!”

“He is not wearing one, Your Honor.”

“His exposé is based on hearsay!”

“From other koalas, Your Honor?”

“His story is illogical!”

“Is it not enough that a marsupial can utter words and connect them into sentences and paragraphs, Your Honor?”

Maybe I’m making too much of a talking koala. After all, the Philippines is an enchanted kingdom where crocodiles deliver speeches and address each other with honorifics. Maybe I should just play along.

The koala said vice-presidential candidate Jejomar Binay paid him and his koalahorts over a billion pesos to shave votes from other candidates to ensure his and Noynoy Aquino’s victory.

“Si Legarda, wala namang pera iyon eh, pero malaki ang nabawas sa boto sa kanya. More or less 4 to 5 million. [Legarda, she had no money anyway, lost a lot of votes, more or less 4 to 5 million]…. 5 or 6 million ang nabawas kay Gibo [Teodoro]. Kay Eddie [Villa-nueva], almost 2 to 3 million. Si Erap [Estrada], 4 million yata. [5 or 6 million were deducted from Gibo. Eddie lost almost 2 to 3 million. Erap, about 4 million].”

Granting, for the sake of argument, that Binay had the motive and the means to do it, why didn’t he ask the koalasortium to deduct votes from Villar and Roxas? Why would Binay pay over a billion pesos for Noynoy Aquino to win by over 5 million votes while his margin over Roxas is less than a million? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to do it the other way around? Why would Binay buy a win for Noynoy, when he could just as easily have bought it for his running mate Erap?

I don’t know the answers to those questions, I don’t know why the koala said those things, I didn’t even know a koala could speak, all I can say is the only one who has all the answers is his mother, the female who carried and suckled him in her belly pouch.

Source: Life in Gloria's Enchanted Kingdom