Tuesday, November 6, 2007

She's Like A Chigger

long time ago, in what seems like another lifetime, when I lived in the Deep South of the United States of America, I became unpleasantly familiar with a particularly nasty insectivore that the natives of the Little and Great Pee Dee River swamplands called a CHIGGER. I have never discovered its exact genus or species. It was surely put on Earth not by the Divine Artificer but His diabolical nemesis precisely to bedevil human kind with its singularly reprehensible modus operandi of burrowing deep in the calf of one's leg, usually while blissfully asleep in a pleasant meadow, there to inflict interminable punishment with an amalgam of pain and itching unrelenting and unrelievable by the normal mechanical or chemical means known to civilized man. Thus, grimacing in pain and humiliation I consulted my good friend and neighbor, Matt C., whose family had lived in those parts for many years and had won their freedom from slavery in the days of old Abe Lincoln. He revealed to me the secret for its removal and my own emancipation. First you must identify the throbbing nucleus of its chosen burrow, there to draw a perfectly straight vertical line with a permanent marker. Then with a razor you must shave off completely the hair to one side of this demarcation line. Next you douse some high octane gasoline (unleaded) on the remaining hair of your inflamed leg and quickly set it ablaze. Donning of course, protective head and eye gear, you watch while biting on a wet towel for the miserable little bitch of an insect to wriggle out of its hiding hole in your burning flesh, and taking careful aim as it scurries off to make its escape, you stab it repeatedly with a sharpened ice pick! DO NOT MISS or it'll bite your toes off.

I hear Joseph Estrada is going to support the impeachment and removal of Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. (Great news! Now where in the hell is that bloody rusty ice pick of mine?)


john marzan said...

deep south? which state? alabama? arkansas? south carolina?

DJB Rizalist said...

florence, south carolina, an hour east of myrtle beach.

Amadeo said...

Couldn't help but be reminded of a TV program I had seen, maybe in Discovery Channel, about a similar insect, a fly, that burrows, and deposits larvae that feed on human flesh. The guy infected had many burrowed sites all over his body, which started to grow and blister in hours.

Read about one such fly called bot fly. Funny name and obviously no connection at all with the more familiar bots we use in IT.

viking said...

Might we not be too morbid and cynical? UP's Joey Magpantay shows how GMA can still be impeached!

Marcus Aurelius said...

Didn't figure the pardon would get her too much.

Well, at least you know a chigger is on ya unlike them dratted deer ticks which are responsible for transmitting lyme disease.